Reflection

I work in insurance. It started as more of a volunteer thing, about a year ago. Just helping my step-dad out. Now I’m stuck in a job I do not enjoy. Not even the slightest bit. I do like a lot of our clients, but this just isn’t where I want to be. I think the biggest reason for this is that I keep fighting and protesting against it. I’ve always written stories and poetry. I fell in love with photography. I love animals and spending time with my pets. I like going to church and having time to do things. I really dislike giving 40 hours a week to something so against what I am.

I do, however, realize that I am exactly where God wants me. It may not be forever or it could be for longer than I expect. I’ve come to realize that the things I like to do, the places I want to go, require money. So this job is a blessing I guess. I always complain that I don’t get any days off, but I have the weekend. Maybe it’s that I think too much, or have too many things I want to do, and too little time.

Since I have picked up writing again, though, I have been more calm and okay with working at this Insurance office. I like this blog. I like my journal. I like that I can just write away some place and maybe people will read it. Maybe my writing still exists. I guess we all want to be noticed.

I’ve been told by many that I am so lucky to have nailed this job. I have an office job, how absolutely wonderful. It’s like I’m trapped. Chained to a desk. How did this happen? How did I become the only one working there? My mind wanders often.

The trick may just lie in hiding for bit. I like hiding. Staying outside of the spotlight where I don’t have to feel nervous. Where I can sit and smile, fall into the dreams and thinking patterns that make me unique and unnoticeable. But sitting at the front of an office, dealing with angry people or people who will not understand. Can’t I be a writer? Why can’t I be a photographer? I’ve tried so hard to excel in other things. But here I am. Laying in my bed, typing, thinking, hoping for something new. A path made for me. How will I find it if I keep hiding?

I just hope that one day I’ll either do what I enjoy, or learn to enjoy whatever it is I am doing.

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8 thoughts on “Reflection

  1. urell says:

    Nice words, beuatiful actually. I like your expression of thoughts – you are a writer. Pursue it.

    Urell

    urellodama@yahoo.com

    • That’s nice to hear. I hope life takes me in that direction.

      Thank you :]

      • urell says:

        We all have a god-given purpose in life. But there are so many roads to it. Be careful, some leads you away from it. When you find you are in the wrong path, stop, think, then focus. You are the only one who can take you to your dream. Let me know when you get there.

        Urell Odama

  2. Scott near Berkeley says:

    By what evidence do you have that “God” has you exactly where he wants you??? Sounds like circular rationalization: “Every where I go, there I am!!”
    If one wants to feel like a puppet, directed by an unseen Being, you can do that to yourself. That is not wisdom or insight, simply rationalization.

    Me, I’d rather follow the advice: “Be yourself. Everyone else is taken.”

  3. “By what evidence do you have that โ€œGodโ€ has you exactly where he wants you???”

    – The same evidence everyone one else has. I choose to trust it, and not question or fight it. I think it’s called Faith ๐Ÿ˜›
    I’ve found my evidence in God and trust wholly in Him, therefore I believe the bible word for word, and in the bible everyday belongs to God and he has a purpose for it. Ergo I am exactly where He wants me. ๐Ÿ™‚

    ‘ Sounds like circular rationalization: โ€œEvery where I go, there I am!!โ€ ‘

    – The only problem with this observation is that I pray daily to be where God wants me. I ask of Him to keep me from straying. So as long as I am doing as he commands me through His word, I am where He wants me to be, however if I discontinue my relationship with Him and do as I please I will no longer be in His will. I hope you understand this? I’m not doing whatever I want, because I know that would lead me away from my Eros, my Phileo, my Storge, my Agape Love that is My God.

    ” If one wants to feel like a puppet, directed by an unseen Being, you can do that to yourself. That is not wisdom or insight, simply rationalization. ”

    – A puppet is not how I feel, and it is not what I am. Satan has puppets. God has servants. I am glad to be His servant, confused at times, but I want to remain faithful.

    ‘ Me, Iโ€™d rather follow the advice: โ€œBe yourself. Everyone else is taken.โ€ ‘

    – Exactly!! Now you get it! God has a divine purpose for every life. Mine purpose differs from yours or someone else’s and to find out what that is, and to remain unique and remain the person God made me to be, I must rely and lean on my Shepard.

    Thank you for your response! I liked your questions. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  4. Angie Lomas says:

    I just came out of a season where I worked part time at a church (which I love doing) but also at a management firm to pay the rest of my bills (and i absolutely hated it!! …not to mention the 40 minute drive to get there!). I felt like God had forgotten about me, that he didn’t hear my prayers that I just wanted to work for him in ministry and why in the world couldn’t that just work out to go full time at the church..why did i have to keep working at this stupid management place as well? …well, 3 years later, I am now going full time at that church. I was able to move on from that management firm. And i’m realizing that there is grace and growth in that desert time..in that “wandering” time. And that God didn’t forget about me…he was growing me and stretching me until He saw that the timing was best to move me from that season into a new one. Hang in there….God sees you and he has a plan!

    • Hi Angie! Thank you for sharing. I’m gonna keep on keeping on. You’re right about the growth part. I am initially a pretty quiet person, perhaps God wants me here so that I can open up a bit more. I have noticeably began to speak up. I mean you sort of have to in a job like this, y’know. I think God may be getting me ready for something else. I do know that my being here allows God to use my stepdad and mom for ministry purposes. They can leave for a week or two and I can manage pretty well until thy get back. I may not be able to see everything, but he can and the puzzle pieces seem to be fitting just fine. It’s my emotions that can at times sway my thinking. That is why we must not act on emotions/feelings alone.

      I think I may have gotten a little off topic XD , but I Thank you for the encouragement, and may God bless you!

  5. Your middle paragraph, the one starting with “Since”, is really very lovely. It has a haunting melancholy about it. Really enjoyed the read.

    I hope you find what you’re looking for, but until then keep writing about it.

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