Silence

I was feeling like I was trapping myself, or making myself quiet, when all I wanted to do was speak. I was very much frustrated when I wrote these.

Its a shy crush
A small wave not
Tall enough to break
Not wide enough to matter
My heart aches
And I shatter
At every
Step closer
Its something different
And unconquered
How can I cope?
When his stare
Causes me to choke, and lose hope
In myself?

Its how I feel in the moment.
How I lack a soul,
A tongue…
My conversation stops
Just talk!
The frustration is pitiful
I ache, I suffer,
In my silence I die
I cannot do what is important
That necessary trait humanity owns
I cannot speak!
Simply because
I won’t

Your eyes
Your movement
Your speech
Make me
Want to speak
To reach,
But here I am:

Hidden. My tongue unable to speak,
unable to describe what stirs in this heart.
The one thing I can do
(Hide)
I do inefficiently

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I Was Elated to Hear From Him.

After a not so long day of work, I arrived at my place of residence. The evening went pretty normal. I let our dog, Umi, inside, took a shower, began tidying up, when Umi decided to pee inside. I let Umi back outside, then made my self a shake consisting of ice cream, milk, a banana, and Reeses peanut butter cups. I then sat in front of my laptop and began to practice my Crocheting. All normal. I had left a ton of tabs open and saw one flashing. Let’s see who is IMing me I thought. It was my dad. I was surprised, as he is hardly ever online, and is not computer savvy. It truly was a pleasant surprise. I love and miss him very much, and I am praying that I get to see him in January.

A year flies by
Then maybe two
A day, and time only grew
As memories
Sank and I wondered
If life would ever understand?
I need to wave
Speak, hug you
To stay alive.
And so a goal I made
To never forget
And always pray
For the world’s best man
To never forget us
We can only
Love him, let him know
I would dig through concrete, through snow
To illustrate the love that can only grow.

A Pleasant Surprise

I recently began thinking about the drive and sense of urgency I felt daily. I wondered what was so urgent? Why do I feel like I need to get somewhere or do something, and why does it feel like I haven’t accomplished anything? Life is time. It’s the days that go by its the seconds jumping out of our hands. Its the one thing we cannot control. Is that a problem? I certainly don’t think so. If life is time, then would that mean my living is equal to a minute of breath? Maybe eighty years, maybe less, of walking, sitting, talking? I think so. Purpose itself is what brings these urges. I have that. A purpose. And it is to live time to its fullest. To enjoy it, and do what it is my God instills in me. I have the freedom to do so. Without needing this drive or guilt to knaw at me.

Someone came into the office the other day and asked if I had gone to school yet. My heart sank and my mind fell back into High School, into the pressures of the world… you failure, it said. What are you if you have not gone to college in pursuit of high-paying jobs, or in pursuit of working as a vet, like you wanted? Like they wanted… I was sitting in my chair guilt ridden. Why did she say that? Knowing I had not gone to college and gotten a degree, she doesn’t know that I tried so hard, but was crushed, not given a second glance forced back into this routine, these lies that you have to make something of yourself. Something. Who are you to tell me that I am not something? Trying is a failure, now? Make up your mind, world. I am not saying that college or extended education is worthless, or irrelevant to time, to life. However, do not put this trip on someone, that because they have not pursued the road you’ve taken or the road you feel is right for them, they have not tried or made anything of their time.

My mind then came back to the current time, the current life in me. That’s when I realized that our conversations, our meeting with people, should not ever consist of what the other person has not done. I should not place this pressure on people. My whole time in school engraved my life’s schedule into my brain, into my flesh, and if I did not do what they told me to do in life I have failed. It’s good to breathe and know that you just don’t HAVE to do these things. You don’t HAVE to go to college or have a high paying job. You really should work, of course. But don’t let pressure kill the enjoyment of life. Don’t let it take years and valuable seconds of the time you’ve been given. I think I would enjoy school and learning anything new and relevant, and maybe irrelevant stuff/things(like what words i should use in place of stuff/things XD). Just always remember that we do have free will. Sometimes, even though it doesn’t make sense we will fail, we will try and try and still fail, but failure can be good. It tells you to stop and try something else. Just for a little while then come back. As long as time keeps ticking, we can try and fail or succeed at whatever we want. I choose to do it with a smile.

(Okay so this post got way off topic. I was originally going to post about an Instant messaging conversation I had, but that will have to be a new post)

No One’s Listening

I have not written a short story in a very long time. It felt really good to dedicate the last few minutes of tonight to this. I might do more. 🙂

————————————————————

The Moon created a small pool of light for her to sit in. A small rodent of society curled up beneath the night. The grass pricked and poked at her arms and legs. The wind carried over the sound from the city.

Even atop the mountain she could hear the complaints, the whines, the anger and frustrations we chose to pursue. With an outstretched hand she pointed at the bird fluttering around in front of her. She tilted her head and stared. Examining the carefree bird; well fed and obviously in good health. It chirped and enjoyed the breeze. The rodent girl spoke and the bird vanished. She slumped as her only audience had left her. She wanted an audience; anything that has had experience breathing would work. But she would more so appreciate an audience that has thought as well; thoughts of fiction, of fantasies, dreams and playgrounds (the never-ending kind). She would really like an audience of at least one. Still slumped, she spoke again; the same words spoken as earlier.

A moment of silence, then her world moved. A shiny hero of life strode by. The hero turned to her and stared. The rodent girl felt the weight of his stare and met his eyes. Her head tilted in confusion. They were locked for what seemed like years. She slumped again. Why would this shining veggie of society bother to hear my words? She thought aloud. The veggie sat down not too far from where the bird had been fluttering about.
He almost seemed unreal. The girl tried to speak, but her nerves closed her lips. She could not say a word. She was never scared to speak in the presence of anyone else. Fear seized her as she realized her silence may scare away her only listener. Don’t go, she wanted to scream, but there she sat in silence. Fear and nerves destroyed any hope and any chance of receiving the ears of this other soul. The grass’s touch was agonizing. How could this happen? Is this a cruel joke life offers her? Why murder the sad face, the one trying to hope? She slowly lifted her gaze to see the shiny person before her. Hatred grabbed her hand as she thought of herself. She could speak to anything and everything that wasn’t listening, but to you who came bravely into the confusion around me. She could say nothing!

Her heart forced her to stand. Head drooped , she turned to go down the mountain. To be forgotten, when he whispered, “Don’t go…”

Leaving

Explosions
Playing the piano
I need to write
so I go.
my pen drops
the old carpet absorbs my lies,
an old poem.
I bring up
The necessity to keep it going
to write until
my heart is content
like playing a piano
I play the keyboard
demanding the alphabet
of my life to jump onto the page before me
i try not to pause
my thoughts cannot stop
i need them more than ever.
i write because i exist
because my mind says to
My mind demands me to release the thoughts suffocating me
drowning my actions
and so i write, i play
i send my thoughts to run
to build a playground i can visit
i saw today something causing me to erupt in anger, in sadness
for not being the success i had always wanted,
for not being where i could be
but then the words, they play again,
a song they sing to me
What Love rescued my life and gave me abilities.
I may lack all your talent
your perseverance
But I have more than I could have ever anticipated
I may not be anywhere that wanted
but I have everything i will ever need
i have been redeemed
shame is lost, i’m forgiven.
Worries pour out of me and into the ocean
daily
that i may live freely
grasp the tide and not be afraid of letting go
to beat the world and smile in victory
It’s almost too much for me.
I’m just glad that I am truly happy.

Mountain By Blue October

I played this song. I love music with thought provoking lyrics. That is what this song is. As I heard the music and the lyrics, my hands began to itch, to crave a pen, my eyes desired to see my thoughts appear in front of them. I wrote the above as a result. I’m not gonna change it. But I truly love writing. There was a moment today when my failures grasped my neck. I wanted to crawl under my desk and hide. There are times when I feel less than what I could be. Like I have not tried hard enough. It terrifies me. I must always remember that these moments do not define me. My desk cannot protect me, and covering my eyes does not blind the world, but blinds me… And all I can think is me. There is the problem:

I am the problem…

Through it all, my mind died.
It could not have this planet
nor the ocean and its tide
It asked again, Can it
have the rising sun
the beaches and trees that weigh a ton?
My mind fought and died
as suddenly it realized
Destiny and Fate
coincidence and hate
My love, my stuff
the choices and muck
My life, heart and Mind
were not mine to take.

Breathing

It’s diving again. My mind, that is. It will do that. Dive and not even think to catch a breath of air before it does.
Now I’m left drowning, again, in my own thought.

This ministry http://www.pottersfield.org was at my church tonight. I saw them 10 years ago, but I was much too young to grasp it all. I didn’t think so at the time, but seeing it now created in me a necessity to change. My way of thinking is damaged. This I know to be true. As I have mentioned in previous posts, my purpose eludes me. I want so desperately to know what I am to do in this life.

Mike from the Potters Field Ministries said something that resonated down the canyons in my mind:
He was sharing how he was talking to God and said, “Lord, show me what you want me to do, and I’ll do it.”
God said, “Do it, and I’ll show you.”

I know that most times when I try and tackle something, anything, I’m never really looking to take it down. I’m never following through with anything. I push a little and as soon as I feel resistance I back up, whether it be art school, photography, my insurance license, even this blog. I back up. My interests have not changed. I have in mind the things I want to accomplish, but I think my mind screams No too many times. Like I don’t want to move on. I write a lot about fear. Because I am afraid. I do run and hide. I am human and imperfect. But being these things does not mean that is who I was made to be. A coward, a platypus in her own strange world. I’ve always wanted to keep the silent girl inside of me alive. To feed the part of me that makes me unique, or so I thought. My God has other plans, and although in my mind I want to follow where he takes me, my heart will say wait, I want to stay hidden for a little longer. I am not strong enough, or talented enough to do you any good right now. But he sees who I can be, and I know what to do. My heart desires to follow God, ultimately. And so I ask Him to change my heart.

Jon Courson said something that now comes back to me:

“God cannot change your mind, but he can change your heart. You cannot change your heart, but you can change your mind.”
Through our free will we can choose to follow Christ and in so doing give him access to our heart that he may grow us, mold me into what he wants me to be.
So Stop hiding, Elizabeth.

List of Life Goals (for the next two weeks x)

Our folks will be leaving the house for two weeks. They will be embarking on a two week missions trip to Israel. This event has triggered an eagerness in me to organize my life. To clean and reach goals and perfect anything that’s been sitting in the sidelines. I just want to complete as many things as I possibly can. It’s no secret that I can never seem to complete any of my Projects! Today’s great weather seemed to contribute to this “accomplish” mode, as well as a secret my mom shared with me. :]

So, at last here is my list of Life goals to be completed within the next two weeks:

• Wash Umi – Squeaky Clean
• House Break Umi
• Wash Nemo – Squeaky clean
• Walk Umi twice a day.
• Clean out my iTunes music
• Clean room until spotless, organize drawers, closet, etc.
• Learn hotkeys on StarCraft 2
• Achieve Sims 3 life achievement for animal lover Sim
• Order supplies needed for craft books
• Find USB Flashdrive
• Clean house ‘til spotless
• Fix problem in the backyard
• Organize office desk

  • Clean Fish Tank
  • Buy new Betta for Tank
  • Clean Betta Bowl
  • • Register Umi to CGC Training classes
    • Spend no more than $58 (not including bills)

    -Start Date Nov. 06 2011
    -End Date Nov. 20 2011

    I’m excited to embark on my own little journey.