Breathing

It’s diving again. My mind, that is. It will do that. Dive and not even think to catch a breath of air before it does.
Now I’m left drowning, again, in my own thought.

This ministry http://www.pottersfield.org was at my church tonight. I saw them 10 years ago, but I was much too young to grasp it all. I didn’t think so at the time, but seeing it now created in me a necessity to change. My way of thinking is damaged. This I know to be true. As I have mentioned in previous posts, my purpose eludes me. I want so desperately to know what I am to do in this life.

Mike from the Potters Field Ministries said something that resonated down the canyons in my mind:
He was sharing how he was talking to God and said, “Lord, show me what you want me to do, and I’ll do it.”
God said, “Do it, and I’ll show you.”

I know that most times when I try and tackle something, anything, I’m never really looking to take it down. I’m never following through with anything. I push a little and as soon as I feel resistance I back up, whether it be art school, photography, my insurance license, even this blog. I back up. My interests have not changed. I have in mind the things I want to accomplish, but I think my mind screams No too many times. Like I don’t want to move on. I write a lot about fear. Because I am afraid. I do run and hide. I am human and imperfect. But being these things does not mean that is who I was made to be. A coward, a platypus in her own strange world. I’ve always wanted to keep the silent girl inside of me alive. To feed the part of me that makes me unique, or so I thought. My God has other plans, and although in my mind I want to follow where he takes me, my heart will say wait, I want to stay hidden for a little longer. I am not strong enough, or talented enough to do you any good right now. But he sees who I can be, and I know what to do. My heart desires to follow God, ultimately. And so I ask Him to change my heart.

Jon Courson said something that now comes back to me:

“God cannot change your mind, but he can change your heart. You cannot change your heart, but you can change your mind.”
Through our free will we can choose to follow Christ and in so doing give him access to our heart that he may grow us, mold me into what he wants me to be.
So Stop hiding, Elizabeth.

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