Here I Go.

Your absence drives me to the wall my dreams crashed into
Thoughts of embracing only echos of your soul…

Find me today
Look for me
and you’ll see
My search for you
Never ended,
I’ve always asked you to stay

Fire dripped from
The swaying lamps
Stopped me in my tracks
Torches burned old
images I thought I left behind.

Take my passions
take my hope
take what makes me an adult
Take my voice
Please, take it all
I’ve lost what I’m about.

Find me in my corner
My hiding place
My playground.
Where words dance
and run for miles.

Turn around
and mention me
I’m waiting for your smile.

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Reflection

I work in insurance. It started as more of a volunteer thing, about a year ago. Just helping my step-dad out. Now I’m stuck in a job I do not enjoy. Not even the slightest bit. I do like a lot of our clients, but this just isn’t where I want to be. I think the biggest reason for this is that I keep fighting and protesting against it. I’ve always written stories and poetry. I fell in love with photography. I love animals and spending time with my pets. I like going to church and having time to do things. I really dislike giving 40 hours a week to something so against what I am.

I do, however, realize that I am exactly where God wants me. It may not be forever or it could be for longer than I expect. I’ve come to realize that the things I like to do, the places I want to go, require money. So this job is a blessing I guess. I always complain that I don’t get any days off, but I have the weekend. Maybe it’s that I think too much, or have too many things I want to do, and too little time.

Since I have picked up writing again, though, I have been more calm and okay with working at this Insurance office. I like this blog. I like my journal. I like that I can just write away some place and maybe people will read it. Maybe my writing still exists. I guess we all want to be noticed.

I’ve been told by many that I am so lucky to have nailed this job. I have an office job, how absolutely wonderful. It’s like I’m trapped. Chained to a desk. How did this happen? How did I become the only one working there? My mind wanders often.

The trick may just lie in hiding for bit. I like hiding. Staying outside of the spotlight where I don’t have to feel nervous. Where I can sit and smile, fall into the dreams and thinking patterns that make me unique and unnoticeable. But sitting at the front of an office, dealing with angry people or people who will not understand. Can’t I be a writer? Why can’t I be a photographer? I’ve tried so hard to excel in other things. But here I am. Laying in my bed, typing, thinking, hoping for something new. A path made for me. How will I find it if I keep hiding?

I just hope that one day I’ll either do what I enjoy, or learn to enjoy whatever it is I am doing.

The Answer…

Okay, so far I like where it is headed. :]

Words fell from his mouth, effortlessly pouring out his heart, giving us a piece of his soul…

I met him, first in my mind. A man who was perfect in every way. He smiled and agreed with me. He had a perfect life. I did not know him, but it was this image that I gave him, in hopes that a man as talented as he would not ever go through suffering. It was my hope that pain would not dare damage him. How wrong I was. To wish and to dream that someone can defeat the world’s cruelty will do nothing, but add to the selfishness I was attached to since birth. I faced his tragedy years ago. The eyes of a man in the process of losing his sanity. My heart barely beats these days. How can I murder what is destroying the people I care about? The people I’ve come to adore from afar? For this man I still have not met, but only seen and heard. And my heart breaks at the thought of his smile vanishing.

I began to reflect upon pain and suffering. I began to see his silhouette fighting the demons that so desperately try to rule over him. How could I reach out and stop the raging fists? He does not need to fight his own fights, but to let go of his life. If I could help him let go of his everything, he could see clearly the Weaknesses of these dark angels. My solution is to turn to He who saved my life. My tears were unending at the loss of his presence. My body was nervous and I felt like it would never stop shaking. His voice however picked me up. It was the voice of my Heavenly Father, my Savior that pulled me out of the dark mist I had called home. I must ask Him to do the same for this talented man, this boy of His.

Sweet Procrastination

Dear whoever the heck reads this,

I had a dream last night, during my rare (but welcomed) 12 hour nap. In this dream I came up with an idea for a book. It seemed incredibly cheesy in my dream… and when I woke up for that matter. But upon recalling the idea, I think it is a good one. I might just start working on it today. Most likely I will start and either realize it’s heading in the wrong direction, or I will like where it’s going and eventually forget about it or move on to the next idea. However, I’m really hoping I can push this one through. I have nothing to do right now, well other then study for my insurance license. That has a deadline of 9/21. I really should finish the required hours. I mean if I don’t study tonight, when will I?

…But it’s such a good idea and I might forget if I wait too long. Writing it is! It may not provide me monies like getting my license would, but I enjoy writing.

Also Here’s a poem I just wrote like right now:

The sun has gone
and with it my energy has run
But here is the moon to drive my mind
into the warm embrace of imagery………..