Why does my mind race? I used to think I was unique. I don’t know if I am disappointed or relieved to know that there are others. What this large open realm has revealed has been useful. We all know. We all feel that silliness when we ask a question in a social setting, simultaneously typing it into a blank bar.
However, it is the only life I know, and the only life we’ll ever know. Instant. It’s almost here: the end.
I met him when I was six. They ran and played together. I sat alone and wrote in my diary. I wrote books that I could never finish. I’d illustrate the cover, and give it a title. I’d number all the pages and make sure the book was sturdy before ever giving thought to the words needed. I’d save the story for last. Too often I would write a story and leave out the middle and end.
“Don’t worry little book,” I’d say, “I’ll finish you someday.”
But I never did. I never did finish that little book about my dog and my cat. I started several new ones, never to have an end. I met him as a child, we left him soon after, but he remained a reminder of a pleasant time in my life. Seeing him much later, threw me back into the days that my family was whole and happy. It was a warm, sad feeling. My mind loves to wonder and wander and write my life away. What I write is true.
The image of a lonely child climbing up a tree. She sits upon it content, because she is free. She waits for her savior to bring her home, and take away the feeling of being left alone.
I’m listening to Wasteland by NEEDTOBREATHE.
Certain voices, songs will just throw me into that mood. You know the mood that throws you into a blizzard of words, of thoughts. To ignore it should be a crime, is a crime. I think we are called to create in different ways. I think I’ll paint. I’m no good at it, but it seems to help the soul smile. I can hear my dog chewing her large nylabone. A simple life she has where chewing a toy could bring her joy. Isn’t that something? To be simple…
I’m digging through I few poems I logged away. Here’s one more for today:
—
I am alone with my thoughts.
I blink,
and there is the image of pastures wide and fenced, where my animals can play
I blink,
and I see my home, and a long lost soul standing beside me, watching life glow
I blink for a moment and see comfort,
But the moment is always fleeing.
It runs from my reach and in its place –
Is the ceiling fan…
The grass is gone, my pets have vanished, and I’ve no one to call my soul mate.
Sometimes I blink and in that short moment
Live a fuller life.
So much more to say.
One night of thinking
Resulted in a short, sweet dream
Where I could see your expression,
If only for a moment.
It was a good moment.
My mind runs and runs on thoughts. It never stops. Sometimes I sit back and think, If only I had somewhere to log all my thoughts… Haha!
Oh but, Elizabeth, you do have somewhere!
So here it is: a poem I did not want to share, I will share for you, internet. Then, later, I’ll share another. I want my blog to be as active as this silly mind of mine.
What can you do for me?
when waves wash over my
still body?
Will you rescue me
or leave my soul to dry?
When the fire burns close,
Will you cover me
or let my body burn to ash?
Will you roar and play
to see me smile?
Can you promise me to smile often
and laugh at all the silly jokes?
Will you hold on tight
and be my change?
Will I be left to wonder
for too long, if you’re
just another cloud?
Another puff of smoke
leaving this great long train
Or do you see in me what I saw in you?
Will you see that your eyes are too intense to ignore
Your passion too rare a treasure to pass
Your smile so sweet it causes my heart to ache
And your love,
Your love shines and echoes for our creator to see.
I hope you were made for me!
Please do not disappoint me, if you must go,
Go happily and never lack the passion I saw
Never stop inspiring
Never stop smiling
Never stop your intense stare, please never let your
excitement burn out.
To think a stranger could leave such a mark…
Love with purpose – my strange, unique muse.
I have been feeling overwhelmed lately. I wondered what happened to me that my happiness would seem so far gone. Wasn’t I just at peace with my life? Stress seemed to have been eradicated and I was left with my thoughts and happy goals. When I started this blog I felt great.
I wrote this little note to some stranger. It was sincere and I needed to write it. I had to just vent, then I came to the realization that I need this blog. I need to just air out my thoughts, air out the events that have caused me stress or anxiety.
I used to sit and think. I used to write poetry. I used to sing loudly on car rides home. I used to read for fun. I used to have more time in the day. I used to dream up stories I could write and goals I could achieve. I used to create character and backgrounds and simple ideas for an amigurami. I used to play video games. I used to wake up early in the morning. I used to train my dog.
Now I drag myself out of bed every morning, much later than I should. I work. I play with my dog. I watch an episode of either Doctor Who or Fringe, before I roll up and think of all the things I could be doing…
In the dark night, nothing seemed more important than her own reflection. Idea after idea, after realization, after epiphany, she thought and thought, her reflection never getting any clearer. She wrestled, boxed, raced, fought and lost sight of the breeze, of the Earth’s great beauty, as she stumbled after this reflection. A soul troubled by nonexistent fears, by pressure placed so delicately, but permanently on her shoulders. Life, time, the race never-ending stood at her heart’s door, wanting only to make itself known. “Known to whom?” She would ask. And the light would dim; just another fight with self would begin. A mind not so quiet, rambles on and on, until the thoughts of another stumble in and stay for a while. Stumble in and stay for a while…
Reflection, mirrors drink me in and will not allow me leave, until this puzzle is solved. A mind not so quiet, and another thought: What comes with a day? The sun moves away too quickly to ever consider staying. The cowardly clouds move farther, as my steps push them away. A way into the world is what my mind tries to avoid. A void within the day drives me into the night, to contemplate what is in a mind.
Explosions
Playing the piano
I need to write
so I go.
my pen drops
the old carpet absorbs my lies,
an old poem.
I bring up
The necessity to keep it going
to write until
my heart is content
like playing a piano
I play the keyboard
demanding the alphabet
of my life to jump onto the page before me
i try not to pause
my thoughts cannot stop
i need them more than ever.
i write because i exist
because my mind says to
My mind demands me to release the thoughts suffocating me
drowning my actions
and so i write, i play
i send my thoughts to run
to build a playground i can visit
i saw today something causing me to erupt in anger, in sadness
for not being the success i had always wanted,
for not being where i could be
but then the words, they play again,
a song they sing to me
What Love rescued my life and gave me abilities.
I may lack all your talent
your perseverance
But I have more than I could have ever anticipated
I may not be anywhere that wanted
but I have everything i will ever need
i have been redeemed
shame is lost, i’m forgiven.
Worries pour out of me and into the ocean
daily
that i may live freely
grasp the tide and not be afraid of letting go
to beat the world and smile in victory
It’s almost too much for me.
I’m just glad that I am truly happy.
I played this song. I love music with thought provoking lyrics. That is what this song is. As I heard the music and the lyrics, my hands began to itch, to crave a pen, my eyes desired to see my thoughts appear in front of them. I wrote the above as a result. I’m not gonna change it. But I truly love writing. There was a moment today when my failures grasped my neck. I wanted to crawl under my desk and hide. There are times when I feel less than what I could be. Like I have not tried hard enough. It terrifies me. I must always remember that these moments do not define me. My desk cannot protect me, and covering my eyes does not blind the world, but blinds me… And all I can think is me. There is the problem:
I am the problem…
Through it all, my mind died.
It could not have this planet
nor the ocean and its tide
It asked again, Can it
have the rising sun
the beaches and trees that weigh a ton?
My mind fought and died
as suddenly it realized
Destiny and Fate
coincidence and hate
My love, my stuff
the choices and muck
My life, heart and Mind
were not mine to take.
Stranded, a mind has no where to go, but back. Into the past, into the darkness that got it trapped in the first place. While it is on it’s way back, I invite you to read about a memory, something lovely, sweet, and painful. Abandoned. How did I end up abandoned?
A road, parallel to ours, created a path for the cars; for the people. All of them on their way to somewhere. Perhaps no where. Maybe here? Music provoking more thought. More thoughts of games once played. Songs I’d sing remembering the hills and grass as they would blur against my window. A window of memories. I’ve reached my hand into the glass before.
This is me. Soft reflection. Imperfections visible enough for me to notice them, and let them be.
A car window reveals more than I wish to know.
Processing Negatives 